"You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman": we are the patriarchy

The patriarchy has won. The patriarchy has done its job, and now it is we who take over; women, with little men in their heads.  The patriarchy has been so successful that it no longer needs external surveillance, because we have internalized that shit so deep we are the patriarchy; the patriarchy exists inside every single one of us. 

Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.

This quote by Margaret Atwood in her book The Robber Bride has been on my mind almost every day ever since I came across it. It holds up a mirror and forces me to confront the truth about my silly rituals every morning and night. I judge myself as a man would; On many fronts, my outlook on life is that of a man. When I curl my hair in the morning or put on lipstick, who am I really doing it for? When I contemplate between outfits, compromising my breakfast time, who am I doing it for? When I ignore the fatigue and force a workout out of my body, who am I doing it for? When I stand in front of the mirror and pile 10 different products onto my face before bed, who am I doing it for? And it is hard to admit that I don't do any of these things for myself, since the shame and stupidity settle in quickly. It makes me hyper aware of my subordination to the patriarchy that is my mind; I am its slave. 

But would my abstinence from makeup and beauty routine crush this little man in my head? Will it crush him into little pieces? "Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy." That begs another question: where do we draw the line between hygiene and beauty? Where does keeping our bodies clean end, and performing for the male gaze start? Do we need to brush our hair or even wash our faces? How much exercise is necessary for a healthy body, and is it really "for my health" if you're practically forcing yourself to complete a workout when you just want to lie down and finish the show you're watching? Is suffering necessary for a healthy body and clean self? 

Waves of 'choice feminism' (the patriarchy in disguise) have convinced us that if we can convince ourselves hard enough that we wear makeup, work out, and alter our bodies because it makes us feel good, that the 20-step skincare and makeup routine we perform every morning is for us and us only.  When someone says, "I wear makeup because it makes me feel pretty," or "I'm not wearing makeup for a man," it's hard not to cringe. How do you define "pretty," and just how convenient that your conception of "pretty" lines up perfectly with how the patriarchy defines beauty? And it's just so convenient that we put smear shit over our faces in a specific manner that pulls in the males, or at least we internally hope they'll look at us with some type of sexual gaze, even though, of course, it's never for them; we want to look presentable and show up for ourselves. 

How we define 'beauty' and 'presentable' stays squarely inside the system because, in truth, we are scared of being called ugly by men, because being ugly means they see you as worthless. Of course, being perceived as worthless by men means losing our purpose in life, so I guess lying to ourselves that we're doing this for ourselves will ease that humiliation a little bit.

The internalization of misogyny and of the patriarchy has been effective, additionally, for the lucrative beauty industry (which is now extensive, from simple beauty products to fashion to surgical procedures to drugs). The man peering at you through the keyhole compels you to do things that not only create a sense of inconvenience and build up a fraudulent performative life, but also force you to line the pockets of corporations through your purchases of makeup products, weight-loss drugs, fast fashion, and cosmetic surgeries. 

Furthermore, this internalization has begun to erase representations of the indigenous faces across the world. The diversity in our physicality is now being invaded by waves of Western-centered beauty standards. Even natives with ethnically ambiguous facial features are applauded and held up to a pedestal. The colonization of the global North is still felt everywhere, but now it is clearly visible everywhere you go, on the faces of the native girls and boys; the westernization of the earth is entering our bodies, overtaking our souls. 

But how do we find a way out? How do we get rid of this man peeping through the keyhole in our head? Is it even possible? Though I do not have an answer, it is certain that acknowledging and accepting that our excuses and denial are, in fact, excuses and that we are in denial. To be completely honest and raw with ourselves is the first step we must take to unravel the centuries of trauma placed upon us, which we have unfortunately internalized for the sake of survival. 

It is not easy to unlearn what has been conditioned into the layers of your skin and bones, but if we don't move, we will never realize the shackles around our feet and hands, and thus we would forever be chained.